2018 will go down in the books as one of the hardest years to date. My mother’s bleak prognosis, full-time caregiving as I watched her decline, eventually her gaining angel status, moving to a new state shortly after, traveling for a month around Europe (coping with my depression) and embarking on this passion project. I have had some pretty rock-bottom lows but looking back, it is pretty remarkable how I pulled myself out of those dark valleys that I aimlessly circled. I learned that what you want is not what you need, and many things fall apart not to necessarily fall back together, but to allow you to rebuild. And that is where I am. That is what I am doing and what I will continue to do.
I took this past month off to focus on myself and really do some self discovery. What brings me joy? What brings me value? How do I bring value and joy to others? I needed that time to really hone in on why I am doing this – not as a job or a hobby – but why I am even putting myself out there. I can’t say I have a clear cut answer. But I have a better idea. And the foundation I am setting now feels more firm then when I started.
2018 is a year I am sad and happy to see go. It is the last chapter my mom was physically a part of. It is a chapter that I will hold close forever. The time I got to spend, the care I was able to provide, the hard conversations that were had… this all taught me how valuable and precious our time is. My strength was revealed, my perspective greatly shifted, the things and people I place value on and in changed drastically. And I am pleased with the girl I see in the mirror.
2019 is a year where I have big and small, fun and hard goals for myself. My word for the year is EMBRACE. Everything. I am excited and a little scared but gosh, how beautiful to have another year, another day. I wish you big joys, the ability to tolerate the tensions, long hugs, more thank you’s, less screen time, more face-to-face time, and the ability to see life with your eyes AND your heart. Cheers to a new year. Happy 2019!
Photo Credit: Gina Emmer